What I Want For Christmas: An Open Letter to Santa

DEAR LARDO,
 

AS WE INCH CLOSER TO YOUR "BIG NIGHT" (AT LEAST I MEASURE IN INCHES), I JUST HAVE A FEW LAST-MINUTE REQUESTS. NO, NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR THE WORLD IN GENERAL. SOME OF THESE YOU MAY BE ABLE TO KNOCK OUT IN SHORT ORDER, OTHERS MIGHT FALL UNDER THE CATEGORY OF "PIE IN THE SKY," BUT CONSIDERING THERE'S NO HUMAN PASTRY SAILING THROUGH THE AIR MORE NOTICEABLE THAN YOU THIS TIME OF YEAR, I FIGURED IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT'D GET YOUR ATTENTION, IT'S THE MENTION OF PIE.


1) PLEASE GET THE WORD OUT THAT IF YOU DON'T COOK THE OTHER 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR, CHANCES ARE THAT MAKING A HUGE COMPLICATED MEAL FOR A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE HAS DUBIOUS CHANCES AT BEST OF GOING OFF WITHOUT A HITCH. ALSO, PLEASE TELL PEOPLE THAT EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR WEEKS SINCE YOUR LAST BIG MASS FEEDING, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PUT OUT THE SAME RELISH TRAY FOR YOUR HOUSE GUESTS. IF WE DIDN'T FINISH OFF THOSE SHRIVELED UP SWEET PICKLES THE FIRST TIME AROUND, GIVING THEM ANOTHER MONTH TO DECOMPOSE IN THE FRIDGE PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THEM ANY MORE APPEALING.


2) STOP OVERCOMPENSATING FOR THE FACT THAT POUND FOR POUND, HANUKKAH IS STILL A MUCH BETTER HOLIDAY. BETTER FOOD, MORE GIFTS, AND LET'S FACE IT, IT'S NOT RUN BY A BLOATED WOULD-BE DIABETIC WHO ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE SOME SODA COMPANY NEEDED A MASCOT TO SELL THEIR TOOTH-DISSOLVING SYRUP TO LITTLE KIDS IN THE 1930'S.


3) DO ME A FAVOR AND BEFORE YOU DROP OFF MORE JUNK I'M GOING TO FORGET I WANTED BY THE TIME MLK'S BIRTHDAY ROLLS AROUND, WOULD YOU TAKE AWAY SOME OF THE STUFF FROM LAST YEAR THAT I NEVER ASKED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE? IF I NEVER USED THAT GIFT CARD TO "LINEN DEPOT" OR THAT COPY OF AUNT BEA'S COOKBOOK, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AN THROW THEM BACK IN YOUR SACK ON THE WAY UP THE CHIMNEY. AND PLEASE, DON'T DROP THEM OFF AT THE SALVATION ARMY FOR SOME UNDERPRIVILEGED KID TO GET STUCK WITH. JUST DUMP THEM IN TO THE NIGHT SKY LIKE AIRLINES DO WITH THOSE FROZEN BLOCKS OF BLUE DOODIE FROM THEIR RESTROOMS.


4) LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, WHILE YOU'RE FLYING AROUND, CAN YOU MENTION TO MOTHER NATURE THAT IT'D BE SUPER IF AT SOME POINT SHE COULD SEE FIT TO HIT THOSE KARDASHIANS WITH LIGHTENING? YEAH, LOTS OF IT.


THAT'S NOT ALL, BUT I'LL STOP HERE. I COULD GO ON FOREVER BUT I KNOW THE LESS I ASK FOR, THE GREATER THE LIKELIHOOD IT'LL COME TO FRUITION. HOPE YOU GOT THAT SLEIGH INSURANCE PAID UP. UNTIL NEXT TIME, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT IF POLAR BEARS EVER REALIZE WHERE THAT WHITE FUR ON THE EDGES OF YOUR SUIT COMES FROM, YOUR TOY TRAIN MAKING DAYS MIGHT BE NUMBERED.


MERRY GLOBSMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.