Shake It, Don't Break It: The Dessert That Goes Down Like A Six Pack

Heya, Man Globbers, Rhyan here. You know I love weekend hooch, and I'm always down for a full-fat, all-dairy pint of ice cream. But I've yet to take a bottle of Kentucky Gentleman and a quart of Rocky Road over to the old blender and start experimenting like I'm bartender at the science fair. 

So as we all get ready for what's likely to be a Memorial Day weekend in the 90's, I thought I'd track down some adult beverage recipes that call for a nice refreshing dose of dairy. You've probably never heard of these before because Isaac the Bartender from 'The Love Boat' was most likely lactose intolerant. Enjoy!

PURPLE VELVET MILKSHAKE

1 cup black raspberry ice cream

1⁄2 cup vanilla ice cream

2 ounces bourbon

1 ounce Chambord liqueur

Fresh blackberries

Fresh mint leaves

In a blender, combine both ice creams, the bourbon and Chambord, then blend until smooth. Divide between 2 glasses, then garnish each with fresh blackberries and mint leaves.

Nutrition information per serving (values are rounded to the nearest whole number): 290 calories; 80 calories from fat (28 percent of total calories); 9 g fat (6 g saturated; 0 g trans fats); 35 mg cholesterol; 31 g carbohydrate; 3 g protein; 1 g fiber; 65 mg sodium.

• • •

TOASTED MALT MILKSHAKE

1⁄4 cup Ovaltine Classic Malt

1 cup vanilla ice cream

1 ounce amaretto liqueur

1 ounce Kahlua liqueur

1 ounce Frangelico liqueur

Finely chopped toasted almonds, to garnish

In a blender, combine the malted milk powder, vanilla ice cream, amaretto, Kahlua and Frangelico. Blend until smooth. Slightly moisten the rims of 2 glasses, then overturn them and dip the rims in the toasted almonds. Pour the milkshake into the center of the glasses without disturbing the rims.

Nutrition information per serving (values are rounded to the nearest whole number): 370 calories; 70 calories from fat 19 percent of total calories); 8 g fat (4.5 g saturated; 0 g trans fats); 30 mg cholesterol; 53 g carbohydrate; 5 g protein; 1 g fiber; 130 mg sodium.

— Recipes by Alison Ladman

You Are So (Big) Busted

THIS WEEK THAT DEAR SWEET GIRL FROM "TEEN MOM 2" JENELLE EVANS WAS HUMILIATED WHEN HER EX-BOYFRIEND SOLD HER 'BEFORE' AND 'AFTER' BOOB JOB PICTURES TO A GOSSIP SITE AS A REVENGE STUNT. THIS SEEMS TO HAVE GENUINELY UPSET JENELLE, GIVEN ONCE THE PHOTOS SURFACED SHE TWEETED, 

 "I'm so upset and depressed. Words can describe. Now the whole world can see me naked. I can't stop crying."

FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT FOR ANY ONE'S PRIVACY BEING INVADED. BUT COME ON?!?! HAS THIS WHOLE LETTING YOUR BOYFRIEND TAKE NAKED PICTURES OF YOU THING EVER WORKED OUT FOR ANYONE?? AND WHY WOULD YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF ANYTHING YOU DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE??? THE SAD THING IS, THIS IS A ONE WAY STREET. NO GUY'S EVER BEEN HUMILIATED BECAUSE SOME CHICK GOT P.O.'D AND SHOWED EVERYONE A PICTURE OF HIS NUTZ. 

IT USED TO BE EVEN THE MOST DISCREET COUPLES HAD TO SETTLE FOR AT LEAST THE GUY AT THE ONE-HOUR-PHOTO GETTING A PEEK AT THEIR PERKY POLAROIDS, BECAUSE UNLESS  YOU HAD A DARK ROOM IN YOUR BASEMENT, YOU HAD TO GO TO THE MALL TO GET YOUR FILM DEVELOPED. ONE OF MY BUDDIES IN HIGH SCHOOL WORKED AT ONE OF THOSE PLACES AND HAD A STACK OF DUPLICATES THAT FILLED UP THE ENTIRE TOP DRAWER OF HIS DRESSER. I WAS SHOCKED. I MEAN, THAT'S NO WAY TO TAKE CARE OF PICTURES. PLUS,  PUT SOME SOCKS OVER THEM OR SOMETHING AT LEAST. 

SO I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH ABOUT THIS WHOLE "WHY TAKE PICTURES YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE" AND "WHY IS THERE MORE SILICONE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN THE STREETS OF AMERICA THAN EVER" THING. IT TURNS OUT EVEN THE FIRST RECIPIENT OF IMPLANTS FROM 1962 IS STILL GLAD SHE GOT THEM EVEN AFTER SUFFERING FROM VARIOUS ONGOING COMPLICATIONS AND HEALTH ISSUES. 

IN HER BOOK, "BREASTS: A NATURAL AND UNNATURAL HISTORY," AUTHOR FLORENCE WILLIAMS SPOKE TO THE NOW 79-YEAR-OLD TAMMIE JEAN LINDSAY, WHO SAID SHE'D DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY TURNED HARD, RUPTURED, AND TO THIS DAY CAUSE SHOOTING CHEST PAINS.

THE TRUTH IS, IT'S GETTING MORE AND MORE DIFFICULT TO EVEN FIND WOMEN WHO HAVEN'T HAD SOME KIND OF BREAST AUGMENTATION. THE PRODUCERS OF THE NEW CABLE SERIES "MAGIC CITY," WHICH IS SET IN THE 50'S WHEN THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS A BOOB JOB, FOUND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CAST ANY AUTHENTIC LOOKING FEMALE EXTRAS BECAUSE THERE WERE NO LOCALS WHO HADN'T HAD THEIR SWEATER PUPPIES PLUMPED UP IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM. 

I'M NOT SAYING I WANT TO GO BACK TO A SURGERY FREE WORLD, OR THAT OUR LIVES WOULD BE BETTER IF THERE WERE NO BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES OF BOOB JOBS. ALL I KNOW IS THAT 1) SURGERY PHOTOS SHOULD BE TAKEN BY A DOCTOR, NOT YOUR SCUM BAG CONVICT OF A BOYFRIEND, AND 2) I REALLY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A JOB AS A CHILD ACTOR. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS KID ON THE COVER OF THE LATEST TIME MAGAZINE? LUCKY TWIRP.