By now you know, bacon is going away next year. The worldwide drought has lead to less feed for farm animals. Pork producers around the globe have had to slaughter animals in droves. Now, as a direct result, we in the U.S. will (supposedly) either have no pork at all in 2013, or pork so expensive only the most wealthy Americans will be able to dine on swine.
So instead of having a panic attack about how we will survive without ham, ribs, pork chops, sausage, etc., I have taken it upon myself to prepare a few possible alternatives we should familiarize ourselves with sooner rather than later.
1. Turkey Bacon
Let's start with the most obvious choice. It's definitely not the most appealing, because it neither looks, tastes, or feels in your mouth ANYTHING like bacon. My most recent experience trying turkey bacon at a diner left me wondering why we waterboard terror suspects when we could just make them eat turkey bacon. The taste and texture I can only describe as being akin to biting in to an unrolled condom and trying to chew and swallow a piece. The turkey bacon I encountered was limp, chewy, and about as bacony as lawn clippings. That's not to say we bacon lovers should be offended that it's horrible, because it's not bacon - it's TURKEY bacon. That said, I will defend to the death people's right to eat turkey bacon if they choose to. I'd just rather lick the street than ever eat another piece as long as I live.
2. Soy Bacon
Often referred to as "fakon" or "vacon" (short for veggie bacon) people are quick to point out that soy bacon is high in protein and fiber, low in fat, and has no cholesterol. I'm pretty sure there's not a vegetarian on earth that really ENJOYS eating meat substitutes, the same way prison inmates would probably choose to have sex with women instead of the dude they end up in the same cell with. Just like Soylent Green turned out to be made of people, I'm sure some day we'll find out the horrible truth about what's really in Soy Bacon, but for now it's probably safe to say that if you're in to processed bean paste that tastes like whatever you cook it in, Soy Bacon's for you.
3. Smoked Coconut
I just want to be honest and say I don't even know anywhere you can get smoked coconut, I'm pretty sure you'd have to fire up the smoker and make a test batch or two, but why the hell not? This was featured in an episode of 'Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives' on the Food Network (click the pic to watch the segment) and it definitely is the most palatable option I've come across so far, even if you hate coconut. Or you could just blow up a Mounds bar in the microwave and see if that does anything for you.
Honorable Mention: Bac-Os
Hey, there's no meat in them, but they still taste damn good in a salad, casserole, sprinkled on your girlfriend's lower back, where ever.
Other than that, I think we ought to buck up and get ready to be porkless. I guess we'll have to figure out something else North Carolinians can chop up and pour cider vinegar on.
~Until we meat again, remember - the Man Glob is always globbing...
~Until we meat again, remember - the Man Glob is always globbing...
