What I Want For Christmas: An Open Letter to Santa

DEAR LARDO,
 

AS WE INCH CLOSER TO YOUR "BIG NIGHT" (AT LEAST I MEASURE IN INCHES), I JUST HAVE A FEW LAST-MINUTE REQUESTS. NO, NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR THE WORLD IN GENERAL. SOME OF THESE YOU MAY BE ABLE TO KNOCK OUT IN SHORT ORDER, OTHERS MIGHT FALL UNDER THE CATEGORY OF "PIE IN THE SKY," BUT CONSIDERING THERE'S NO HUMAN PASTRY SAILING THROUGH THE AIR MORE NOTICEABLE THAN YOU THIS TIME OF YEAR, I FIGURED IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT'D GET YOUR ATTENTION, IT'S THE MENTION OF PIE.


1) PLEASE GET THE WORD OUT THAT IF YOU DON'T COOK THE OTHER 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR, CHANCES ARE THAT MAKING A HUGE COMPLICATED MEAL FOR A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE HAS DUBIOUS CHANCES AT BEST OF GOING OFF WITHOUT A HITCH. ALSO, PLEASE TELL PEOPLE THAT EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR WEEKS SINCE YOUR LAST BIG MASS FEEDING, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PUT OUT THE SAME RELISH TRAY FOR YOUR HOUSE GUESTS. IF WE DIDN'T FINISH OFF THOSE SHRIVELED UP SWEET PICKLES THE FIRST TIME AROUND, GIVING THEM ANOTHER MONTH TO DECOMPOSE IN THE FRIDGE PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THEM ANY MORE APPEALING.


2) STOP OVERCOMPENSATING FOR THE FACT THAT POUND FOR POUND, HANUKKAH IS STILL A MUCH BETTER HOLIDAY. BETTER FOOD, MORE GIFTS, AND LET'S FACE IT, IT'S NOT RUN BY A BLOATED WOULD-BE DIABETIC WHO ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE SOME SODA COMPANY NEEDED A MASCOT TO SELL THEIR TOOTH-DISSOLVING SYRUP TO LITTLE KIDS IN THE 1930'S.


3) DO ME A FAVOR AND BEFORE YOU DROP OFF MORE JUNK I'M GOING TO FORGET I WANTED BY THE TIME MLK'S BIRTHDAY ROLLS AROUND, WOULD YOU TAKE AWAY SOME OF THE STUFF FROM LAST YEAR THAT I NEVER ASKED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE? IF I NEVER USED THAT GIFT CARD TO "LINEN DEPOT" OR THAT COPY OF AUNT BEA'S COOKBOOK, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AN THROW THEM BACK IN YOUR SACK ON THE WAY UP THE CHIMNEY. AND PLEASE, DON'T DROP THEM OFF AT THE SALVATION ARMY FOR SOME UNDERPRIVILEGED KID TO GET STUCK WITH. JUST DUMP THEM IN TO THE NIGHT SKY LIKE AIRLINES DO WITH THOSE FROZEN BLOCKS OF BLUE DOODIE FROM THEIR RESTROOMS.


4) LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, WHILE YOU'RE FLYING AROUND, CAN YOU MENTION TO MOTHER NATURE THAT IT'D BE SUPER IF AT SOME POINT SHE COULD SEE FIT TO HIT THOSE KARDASHIANS WITH LIGHTENING? YEAH, LOTS OF IT.


THAT'S NOT ALL, BUT I'LL STOP HERE. I COULD GO ON FOREVER BUT I KNOW THE LESS I ASK FOR, THE GREATER THE LIKELIHOOD IT'LL COME TO FRUITION. HOPE YOU GOT THAT SLEIGH INSURANCE PAID UP. UNTIL NEXT TIME, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT IF POLAR BEARS EVER REALIZE WHERE THAT WHITE FUR ON THE EDGES OF YOUR SUIT COMES FROM, YOUR TOY TRAIN MAKING DAYS MIGHT BE NUMBERED.


MERRY GLOBSMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

READY FOR SOME HORSE D'OEUVRES??

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT 'EM, BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE THOSE A$$HATS IN WASHINGTON. THERE'S CLEARLY NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT GOING ON IN THE COUNTRY AT THIS POINT, BECAUSE LAST MONTH THEY QUIETLY LIFTED THE BAN ON HORSE SLAUGHTERING FOR FOOD IN THE U.S. 

LET ME BE CLEAR - WE NEEDED ONE MORE THING TO SHOVE IN OUR MOUTHS. I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT AS HUMANS, BEING THE ONES THAT ESSENTIALLY RUN THE PLANET, GET BLAMED WHEN SOMETHING IN NATURE GOES HORRIBLY WRONG, AND ARE TASKED WITH BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEANING IT UP, WE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO EAT ANYTHING LOWER ON THE CHAIN OF EVOLUTION THAT EATS, SLEEPS, BREATHS, OR GROWS. WHETHER THERE'S A MILLION OF THEM LEFT OR IT'S AN ENDANGERED SPECIES, I PERSONALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE. 

SO MY PROBLEM ISN'T THAT I'M ANTI HORSE BURGERS... I'D BITE THE HELL OUT OF ONE IF I HAD THE CHANCE... BUT HORSE IS THE BEST WE CAN DO?? WHERE'S DOLPHIN?? WHERE'S KOALA??? WHERE'S PENGUIN????

HORSE IS SO 20TH CENTURY! DON'T WE DESERVE TO EAT SOMETHING NEW FOR ONCE BEFORE ANOTHER ASTEROID COMES AND KILLS OFF SOMETHING DELICIOUS? MY STOMACH STILL GRUMBLES EVERY TIME I HEAR THE FLINTSTONES TALK ABOUT BRONTOSAURUS BURGERS. 'CAUSE I CAN'T HAVE ONE. 

SO PRETTY PLEASE, WITH A1 SAUCE ON TOP, LET'S WORK HARDER TO LEGALIZE THE EATING OF SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING THAN HORSES - BECAUSE GOD KNOWS THEY'D EAT US THE FIRST CHANCE THEY GOT. WELL, NOT REALLY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.     

~UNTIL NEXT TIME, MAN GLOBBERS.

Show Me The Muffy!!!

SO A HAIR REMOVAL COMPANY IS SUING REALITY STAR KIM KARDASHIAN CLAIMING SHE'S BEEN RECOMMENDING THE USE OF THEIR LASER HAIR REMOVAL DEVICE FOR UNSAFE AREAS OF THE BODY!  

IN A STATEMENT THIS WEEK, THE MAKERS OF "TRIA" SOUGHT TO CLARIFY THAT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THEIR PRODUCT BE USED TO REMOVE HAIR FROM, "...THE FACE, HEAD, EARS, NECK, NIPPLES..." AND OTHER UNMENTIONABLE PLACES (YEP, THERE... AND THERE. WAIT, WOMEN HAVE HAIR THERE?? GOODNESS, GRACIOUS.) PRETTY MUCH ANYPLACE OTHER THAN YOUR ARMPIT IS OFF LIMITS. 

PROBLEM IS, KIM KARDASHIAN CLAIMS THAT FOR YEARS SHE'S BEEN USING THE DEVICE TO REMOVE HAIR EVERYWHERE ON HER BODY. NOW I KNOW FROM WATCHING HER SHOW THAT KIM'S ARMENIAN, AND BY HER OWN DESCRIPTION ARMENIAN WOMEN ARE ESPECIALLY HAIRY, SO BY THAT MEASURE MAYBE THEY'RE A UNIQUE GROUP OF LADIES IN THE BODILY HAIR DEPARTMENT. 

BUT COME ON!?!?! WHEN DID WE START DEMANDING THAT WOMEN NOT ONLY HAVE SHAVED ARMPITS, HAIRLESS LEGS, NOT A FOLLICLE TO SPARE ON THEIR UPPER LIP, NO SEMBLANCE OF A HAPPY TRAIL FROM THEIR BELLY BUTTON ON DOWN YONDER, AND AS BECOME CUSTOMARY ON ANYONE UNDER 30, NOT A FEATHER TO SPEAK OF ON THE OLD HAPPY TRAP??? 

THIS IS INSANITY!!! AND IT'S GONE TOO FAR FOR TOO LONG!!! I SAY THIS WINTER, GROW IT BACK FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLEY, ER, HOLY. AND I DO MEAN EVERYWHERE. I HAPPEN TO LIKE  THE FACT THAT IN MADONNA'S FAMOUS PENTHOUSE SPREAD, NOT ONLY WAS SHE SPORTING FULL BLOOM IN THE PITS, SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE HAD DON KING IN A LEG LOCK. 

THINK BACK TO YOUR FONDEST CHILDHOOD MEMORIES. AUNT BERTHA'S HOUSE ON CHRISTMAS EVE. THERE WAS NOTHING MORE UNSETTLING THAN FEELING THAT MUSTACHE RUBBING YOU RAW AS SHE FORCED A KISS ON YOU RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE. THAT WAS THE WAY IT WAS AND WE LIKED IT. WE LIKED IT FINE. 

IT'S TIME TO GROW IT UP, GROW IT OUT, AND GROW IT BACK IN. STOP THE INSANITY. DUST FLAP IT UP FOR THE SAKE OF TRADITION. FOR OUR CHILDREN, AND OUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN, AND THE MAKERS OF DRAIN-O. 

GLOBBITY GLOB GLOBBEROONY, MAN GLOB OUT.

Reunited and it feels so... old

SO IT WAS REVEALED THIS WEEK THAT ORIGINAL MEMBERS OF BLACK SABBATH WILL BE ANNOUNCING A NEW ALBUM AND REUNION TOUR IN THE COMING DAYS, AND IT MADE ME WONDER... SURE, WE ALL WANT TO SEE THE BAND GET BACK TOGETHER, PLAY SOME SHOWS, RELIVE THE PAST, ETC....

BUT THIS AIN'T THE MOVIE "COCOON" WITH DON AMECHE AND WILFRED BRIMLEY FINDING A MAGIC SWIMMING POOL THAT TRANSFORMS THEIR FRAIL OLD BODIES INTO JUST-LIKE-NEW 2.0 VERSIONS.  I MEAN, THE SABBATH GUYS ARE OLD. LIKE, TOO OLD TO PULL IT OFF  OLD. I LOVE OZZY, HE'S A FREAKIN' NATIONAL TREASURE, BUT THERE'S A SENSE OF FRAILTY AND WEAKNESS TO HIS ON STAGE PERSONA AT THIS POINT. 

AT THE SAME TIME, WE DEMAND THIS KIND OF STUFF AS FANS. PART OF THE ATTRACTION IS THAT AN ACTUAL REUNION COULD NEVER HAPPEN. WELL, THIS LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE TIMES WHERE WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN CAREFUL WHAT WE ASKED FOR. IS IT REALISTIC TO EXPECT ANYTHING BEYOND A BUNCH OF GUYS SHUFFLING AROUND TRYING NOT TO THROW SOMETHING OUT, OR HERNIATE A DISC? 


THE WHOLE "REUNION" CONCEPT IS FATALLY FLAWED. SUCH TOURS ARE ONLY MOTIVATED BY A DESIRE TO MAKE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MONEY, THUS MAKING TICKETS UNOBTAINABLE FOR THE LIONS SHARE OF FANS. SECONDLY, THE BANDS CAN NEVER BE EXPECTED TO RECAPTURE THE SOUND OF THEIR PRIME YEARS, SO YOU'RE SHELLING OUT TOP DOLLAR FOR A SUB-PAR SHOW AT BEST. THIRDLY, AS WAS THE CASE IN THE REUNION TOUR THE POLICE STAGED A FEW YEARS BACK, JUST BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL MEMBERS ARE PHYSICALLY ON STAGE DOESN'T MAGICALLY MAKE THEM A BAND AGAIN. STING, MOE, AND CURLY BARELY MOVED, SPOKE, OR ACKNOWLEDGED THE AUDIENCE DURING THAT TOUR, ACCORDING TO THOSE WHO WENT OUT TO CAPTURE THE MAGIC. 


EVEN THE BANDS THAT CONCEIVABLY COULD  MOUNT A TOUR TOGETHER SHOULDN'T YIELD TO PUBLIC PRESSURE. TAKE GUNS 'N ROSES. THEY'RE ALL STILL PERFORMING AS INDIE ACTS, AND DOING QUITE WELL AT IT. EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE THE STAMINA TO REGROUP AND GET THE ORIGINAL LINE-UP TOGETHER AT SOME POINT, THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT A GOOD IDEA. IT'S LIKE COUPLES WHO HATE EACH OTHER BUT STAY TOGETHER FOR APPEARANCES SAKE, OR FOR THEIR CHILDREN. YOU BUY A TICKET TO A GUNS 'N ROSES REUNION SHOW, YOU ARE PAYING TO FEEL TWO HOURS OF TENSION THAT WOULD MAKE A DOG HIDE UNDER HIS FRONT PORCH. 


LET'S GET OFF THE "REUNION TOUR" CRACK PIPE. BANDS BREAK UP FOR A REASON. LET'S ENJOY THE SOLO SHOWS FROM SLASH, OR THE SUPER GROUPS LIKE CHICKENFOOT. THERE'S NO BETTER SHOW THAN ONE DONE BY A BAND THAT LOVES WHAT THEY'RE DOING ON STAGE. OTHERWISE, PLAN ON FACING THE COLD HARD REALITY WE SEE EVERY TIME SOME CHICK CRAMS HERSELF INTO A PUSH-EM-UP BRA FOR THAT 40TH HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REMINISCING ABOUT THE BEST DAYS OF AN ERA, AND PAYING THEM A GRAVE DISSERVICE BY TRYING TO REENACT THEM. 


GLOB YA LATER.