By now pretty much everyone has unwittingly become familiar with Lean Finely Textured Beef AKA "Pink Slime." There's no question it's freakin' disgusting... but let's be honest, chances are there's not a food on earth you really want to see before it ends up in the meat case, on your grocery shelves, or in your coffee cup. Except every once in a great while a blinding flash of reality too extreme to ignore is placed right before our eyes, and it becomes impossible to avert our gaze! I say, hey, Pink Slime's cow stuff just like the collagen in animal bones that becomes our jello is cow stuff.
Would I slap a big ol' scoop of it into a waffle cone on a hot summer day? Well that all depends. Do I live here in America, where 34 million tons of food was thrown out in 2010? Then, no, a slimesicle probably isn't my thing. Do I live in say South America, where you walk into the store and see hearts, intestines, cow blood, and other not-so-appetizing cuts o' cow right next to the regular meat? If so, I'd probably get stoned by my village if I didn't find a way to use everything but the moo. So while we are shocked - SHOCKED, I say! - here in the U.S. that there's something other than the cuts of meat we know and love in our burgers, in other less fortunate parts of the world people would likely walk up to a Pink Slime paste dispenser and treat it like the all-you-can-slurp soft serve ice cream machine (upside: no brain freeze.)
Truth is, there may be less Pink Slime to go around anyway. You see, the main producer of it just filed for bankruptcy. Which means you're going to have to get it somewhere's else, slime aficionados. Oh, and the cost of your burgers? Watch them skyrocket like we were getting them from the Middle East.
But hey, at least the world's a better place and we know what we're eating, right? MUHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! Not even close. The FDA estimates we eat between one to two pounds of insects every year in our food without knowing it. They're called 'natural contaminants' and they're A-OK in moderation. Rat hairs, too. I mean, as long as it's a clean rat, what's the harm?
Which takes me back to Pink Slime. They do clean it, ya know. Just watch this handy dandy demonstration by celebrity chef/nutritionist Jamie Oliver:
Plus, were talking ground meat. What did you really think was in there? I'm glad that somebody finally took the time to explain it. At least instead of flies or rat hairs, it's all cow. I can live with that.
So, in closing, I give Pink Slime two hoofs up. I may even start brushing my teeth with it, putting it on my slip n' slide, and keeping a bowl of it next to my bed for those lonely nights.
