Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Valentine's Day: Symptom of a Larger Problem



THIS WEEK, A FLORIDA JUDGE ORDERED A MAN ACCUSED OF CHOKING HIS WIFE DURING A 'MINOR SCUFFLE' TO BUY HER FLOWERS AND TAKE HER ON A DATE TO RED LOBSTER AS PART OF HIS SENTENCE, AND IT GOT ME THINKING... I COULD REALLY GO FOR SOME CHEDDAR BISCUITS. SPEAKING OF THE THINGS WE DO TO GET A CRACK AT A BISCUIT, AREN'T THERE ALREADY ENOUGH DAYS OF THE YEAR ASIDE FROM VALENTINE'S DAY WHERE GUYS ARE STUCK PAYING OUR RESPECTS (AND USUALLY STUCK PAYING IN GENERAL) TO WOMEN??

FIRST, THERE'S BIRTHDAYS. WE ALL GET ONE, BUT FORGET A CHICK'S BIRTHDAY AND HER LIFE IS OFFICIALLY RUINED. IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE ANYONE YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH OR RELATED TO. I ONCE HAD A FEMALE FRIEND STOP SPEAKING TO ME FOR NO REASON ONLY TO FIND OUT MONTHS LATER I HAD FORGOTTEN TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER. MIND YOU, I DIDN'T FORGET HER BIRTHDAY, IN FACT I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBERED TO ASK HER IF SHE 'HAD A GREAT BIRTHDAY' WHICH, IN MY MIND, IMPLIED I GAVE A CRAP IN GENERAL. SO JUST FOR FUTURE NOTICE, TO WOMEN, ACKNOWLEDGING YOU KNOW WHEN THEIR BIRTHDAY IS CARRIES NO WEIGHT WHATSOEVER. WHICH IS ODD, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALSO SCREWED IF YOU FAIL TO REMEMBER IN 'POP QUIZ' FASHION WHEN EXACTLY THEIR BIRTHDAY IS, EVEN IF IT'S NOT COMING UP ANY TIME SOON. WORD TO THE WISE - IF A CHICK SO MUCH AS BRINGS UP THE SUBJECT OF BIRTHDAYS, FAKE A SEIZURE TO GET OUT OF THE CONVERSATION - IT'S WAY EASIER IN THE LONG RUN.

THEN YOU GOT MOTHER'S DAY. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT REMEMBERING YOUR OWN MOTHER - FORGET HER AND YOU TRULY ARE A BONER OF EPIC MAGNITUDE - THIS IS DIRECTED AT WOMEN WHO EXPECT THEIR HUSBANDS, GUYS THEY'RE DATING, OR ANY GUY WHO KNOWS THEY HAVE KIDS, TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE VERY FACT THAT, YES, IT WAS VERY PAINFUL TO GIVE BIRTH, AND NO, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT'S LIKE, SO, YES, THANK YOU FOR PRESERVING THE HUMAN RACE BY HAVING KIDS AND MORE KIDS. CARDS, DINNER, FLOWERS... SOUND FAMILIAR??? THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MAY AND YOU JUST WENT THROUGH THIS ROUTINE LESS THAN 3 MONTHS AGO.

THEN YOU GOT YOUR ANNIVERSARIES. AS IN PLURAL. MARRIED? THAT'S ONE. BEFORE THAT, THERE WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY YOU MET, THE ANNIVERSARY OF YOUR FIRST DATE, THE ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN YOU GOT SERIOUS (WHICH NO DOUBT WAS DUE TO GETTING TO SEE HER NAKED, SO YOU KIND OF DON'T HAVE A CHOICE), THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST TIME YOU WALKED BAREFOOT ON WET GRASS WHEN MANGOES WERE IN SEASON, WHICH SHE REMEMBERS VIVIDLY BECAUSE SHE'S ALLERGIC TO MANGOES AND HER FACE SWELLED UP LIKE A BASKETBALL BECAUSE YOU KISSED HER AFTER YOU ATE ONE, AND LET US NOT FORGET THE ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN HER CAT GOT SICK AND YOU HAD TO CANCEL YOUR CAMPING TRIP SO YOU COULD 'BE SUPPORTIVE' IN CASE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED, WHICH IT EVENTUALLY DID BUT NOT UNTIL TWO OR THREE CAT ILLNESSES LATER.


I DON'T BEGRUDGE WOMEN WANTING TO BE RECOGNIZED FOR ALLLLLLLLL THEY DO FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT WHY CAN'T I VANDALIZE AN OVERPASS IN HER HONOR AND HAVE THAT BE ENOUGH???


WITH THAT, I'M OFF TO BUY SPRAY PAINT, BECAUSE I JUST IMPLIED I MIGHT DO SOMETHING FOR WOMEN, AND IF I DON'T FOLLOW THROUGH THEY'LL PROBABLY NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.


SMILE AND NOD FELLAS, SMILE AND NOD.



~ MAN GLOB I MEAN PERSON GLOB YA LATER.