Bacopalypse 2013: A Survival Guide

By now you know, bacon is going away next year. The worldwide drought has lead to less feed for farm animals. Pork producers around the globe have had to slaughter animals in droves. Now, as a direct result, we in the U.S. will (supposedly) either have no pork at all in 2013, or pork so expensive only the most wealthy Americans will be able to dine on swine. 

So instead of having a panic attack about how we will survive without ham, ribs, pork chops, sausage, etc., I have taken it upon myself to prepare a few possible alternatives we should familiarize ourselves with sooner rather than later. 

 

1. Turkey Bacon 

Let's start with the most obvious choice. It's definitely not the most appealing, because it neither looks, tastes, or feels in your mouth ANYTHING like bacon. My most recent experience trying turkey bacon at a diner left me wondering why we waterboard terror suspects when we could just make them eat turkey bacon. The taste and texture I can only describe as being akin to biting in to an unrolled condom and trying to chew and swallow a piece. The turkey bacon I encountered was limp, chewy, and about as bacony as lawn clippings. That's not to say we bacon lovers should be offended that it's horrible, because it's not bacon - it's TURKEY bacon. That said, I will defend to the death people's right to eat turkey bacon if they choose to. I'd just rather lick the street than ever eat another piece as long as I live. 

2. Soy Bacon

Often referred to as "fakon" or "vacon" (short for veggie bacon) people are quick to point out that soy bacon is high in protein and fiber, low in fat, and has no cholesterol. I'm pretty sure there's not a vegetarian on earth that really ENJOYS eating meat substitutes, the same way prison inmates would probably choose to have sex with women instead of the dude they end up in the same cell with. Just like Soylent Green turned out to be made of people, I'm sure some day we'll find out the horrible truth about what's really in Soy Bacon, but for now it's probably safe to say that if you're in to processed bean paste that tastes like whatever you cook it in, Soy Bacon's for you. 

3. Smoked Coconut

I just want to be honest and say I don't even know anywhere you can get smoked coconut, I'm pretty sure you'd have to fire up the smoker and make a test batch or two, but why the hell not? This was featured in an episode of 'Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives' on the Food Network (click the pic to watch the segment) and it definitely is the most palatable option I've come across so far, even if you hate coconut. Or you could just blow up a Mounds bar in the microwave and see if that does anything for you. 

Honorable Mention: Bac-Os

Hey, there's no meat in them, but they still taste damn good in a salad, casserole, sprinkled on your girlfriend's lower back, where ever. 

Other than that, I think we ought to buck up and get ready to be porkless. I guess we'll have to figure out something else North Carolinians can chop up and pour cider vinegar on.   

~Until we meat again, remember - the Man Glob is always globbing...

Some Olympians End Up On A Wheaties box. Others Have To Scrounge Up Enough Money To Buy Cereal.

I am ashamed of myself. More so than usual that is. Usually I'm pretty up front about the things I don't care about, and up until today, I didn't really care about the London Olympics. Then I heard the breaking news that despite rules changes allowing the U.S Women's Beach Volleyball team to wear shorts and t-shirts, they have decided to compete this summer in two piece bikinis. Behold the squat:

Pretty freakin' sweet, right? That's not the part I'm ashamed about, though. You see, as I dug around the web for lots of bouncy-bouncy volleyball photos of these gals, I stumbled across a story about the U.S. Women's Weightlifting Team detailing the humbling reality of their Olympic experience. 

These are not ladies you would likely consider to be conventional beauties. Most likely none of them got to be the prom queen. They experience little of the fanfare of representing us in the Olympics, and no matter how well they do - even if they win Olympic gold - they generally will live out the rest of their lives minus the fame and lucrative endorsement deals that other Olympians gain. 

Take 275 lb Olympic Weightlifter Sara Robles (pictured at the top) who, according to a recent profile on Slate.com is, "...living/training on $400 a week from the U.S. Weightlifting Federation. While swimmer Michael Phelps gets paid to talk about how Subway provides some of the 12,000 calories he consumes every day, Robles must rely on food banks and donations to reach the 3,000 to 4,000 she needs." This despite being the highest ranked athlete in her sport OF EITHER GENDER. 

And she's not alone. Meet Olympic Weightlifter Holley Mangold, who stands 5-8 and weighs 350 pounds, and despite being the sister of New York Jets center Nick Mangold, is also struggling financially due to the cost of training to compete.  

That's why I'm urging every one to take a moment to sign a petition asking Sports Illustrated to put the U.S. Women's Olympic Weightlifting Team on the cover. To give them the recognition as competitors they deserve, and to hopefully spread the message that not only can they too be effective celebrity endorsers, but in a world of picture perfect air brushed magazine covers highlight that body image among young women has never been more distorted and in need of a reality check. 

Click this link to sign the petition. And watch all the grunt-laden goodness of Women's Weightlifting during the Olympics in the coming weeks. Massive women deserve massive ratings. 

 

~Globulous Maximus Out

Nobody's Looking Anyway: Why It's Time To Decriminalize Flashing

Say hi to Alicia Binford, 43, and Shelly Lewis, 45, of O'Fallon, IL. They were arrested this week and charged with "lewdly exposing their breasts" to players on a Illinois golf course. Funny thing is it didn't happen on a Saturday night, or at 3 in the morning, it was in broad daylight on a Monday afternoon. And the golfers were genuinely irritated that they were having their game disrupted by not one but two sets of middle-aged blouse-bouncers.

I think this is age discrimination, for one. My sense is if this were a pair of 20-year-old chicks, the golfers would have been lighting up a cigar, snapping pictures with their phones, and generally feeling lucky to be alive. But because it was two ladies that probably remind them of their wives, it was more of a reminder of what they had to go home to after playing 18 holes. 

Don't get me wrong - if you're an avid golfer, there's obviously a very disruptive quality to being distracted by anything. Could be wild goose attack, could be somebody with an air horn, could even be a pair of ladies with their pairs of ladies showing. Hey, I don't want anybody hitting a bucket of balls at my head while I'm getting a lap dance. So I sort of understand. 

I'm just saying, if you take the crime out of the equation, there's really nothing exciting going on here. Just two women looking for attention. Hey, it's what spring break's all about, right? But do it on a golf course, and all of a sudden you're a menace to society. If we had a chance to see this all the time, and you took the risk out of it, I bet it would hardly happen. 

So if you're in your mid-forties and you want to flash, I'm in your corner. Just don't have your back to me when you do it cuz I won't be able to see.

Shake It, Don't Break It: The Dessert That Goes Down Like A Six Pack

Heya, Man Globbers, Rhyan here. You know I love weekend hooch, and I'm always down for a full-fat, all-dairy pint of ice cream. But I've yet to take a bottle of Kentucky Gentleman and a quart of Rocky Road over to the old blender and start experimenting like I'm bartender at the science fair. 

So as we all get ready for what's likely to be a Memorial Day weekend in the 90's, I thought I'd track down some adult beverage recipes that call for a nice refreshing dose of dairy. You've probably never heard of these before because Isaac the Bartender from 'The Love Boat' was most likely lactose intolerant. Enjoy!

PURPLE VELVET MILKSHAKE

1 cup black raspberry ice cream

1⁄2 cup vanilla ice cream

2 ounces bourbon

1 ounce Chambord liqueur

Fresh blackberries

Fresh mint leaves

In a blender, combine both ice creams, the bourbon and Chambord, then blend until smooth. Divide between 2 glasses, then garnish each with fresh blackberries and mint leaves.

Nutrition information per serving (values are rounded to the nearest whole number): 290 calories; 80 calories from fat (28 percent of total calories); 9 g fat (6 g saturated; 0 g trans fats); 35 mg cholesterol; 31 g carbohydrate; 3 g protein; 1 g fiber; 65 mg sodium.

• • •

TOASTED MALT MILKSHAKE

1⁄4 cup Ovaltine Classic Malt

1 cup vanilla ice cream

1 ounce amaretto liqueur

1 ounce Kahlua liqueur

1 ounce Frangelico liqueur

Finely chopped toasted almonds, to garnish

In a blender, combine the malted milk powder, vanilla ice cream, amaretto, Kahlua and Frangelico. Blend until smooth. Slightly moisten the rims of 2 glasses, then overturn them and dip the rims in the toasted almonds. Pour the milkshake into the center of the glasses without disturbing the rims.

Nutrition information per serving (values are rounded to the nearest whole number): 370 calories; 70 calories from fat 19 percent of total calories); 8 g fat (4.5 g saturated; 0 g trans fats); 30 mg cholesterol; 53 g carbohydrate; 5 g protein; 1 g fiber; 130 mg sodium.

— Recipes by Alison Ladman

You Are So (Big) Busted

THIS WEEK THAT DEAR SWEET GIRL FROM "TEEN MOM 2" JENELLE EVANS WAS HUMILIATED WHEN HER EX-BOYFRIEND SOLD HER 'BEFORE' AND 'AFTER' BOOB JOB PICTURES TO A GOSSIP SITE AS A REVENGE STUNT. THIS SEEMS TO HAVE GENUINELY UPSET JENELLE, GIVEN ONCE THE PHOTOS SURFACED SHE TWEETED, 

 "I'm so upset and depressed. Words can describe. Now the whole world can see me naked. I can't stop crying."

FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT FOR ANY ONE'S PRIVACY BEING INVADED. BUT COME ON?!?! HAS THIS WHOLE LETTING YOUR BOYFRIEND TAKE NAKED PICTURES OF YOU THING EVER WORKED OUT FOR ANYONE?? AND WHY WOULD YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF ANYTHING YOU DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE??? THE SAD THING IS, THIS IS A ONE WAY STREET. NO GUY'S EVER BEEN HUMILIATED BECAUSE SOME CHICK GOT P.O.'D AND SHOWED EVERYONE A PICTURE OF HIS NUTZ. 

IT USED TO BE EVEN THE MOST DISCREET COUPLES HAD TO SETTLE FOR AT LEAST THE GUY AT THE ONE-HOUR-PHOTO GETTING A PEEK AT THEIR PERKY POLAROIDS, BECAUSE UNLESS  YOU HAD A DARK ROOM IN YOUR BASEMENT, YOU HAD TO GO TO THE MALL TO GET YOUR FILM DEVELOPED. ONE OF MY BUDDIES IN HIGH SCHOOL WORKED AT ONE OF THOSE PLACES AND HAD A STACK OF DUPLICATES THAT FILLED UP THE ENTIRE TOP DRAWER OF HIS DRESSER. I WAS SHOCKED. I MEAN, THAT'S NO WAY TO TAKE CARE OF PICTURES. PLUS,  PUT SOME SOCKS OVER THEM OR SOMETHING AT LEAST. 

SO I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH ABOUT THIS WHOLE "WHY TAKE PICTURES YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE" AND "WHY IS THERE MORE SILICONE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN THE STREETS OF AMERICA THAN EVER" THING. IT TURNS OUT EVEN THE FIRST RECIPIENT OF IMPLANTS FROM 1962 IS STILL GLAD SHE GOT THEM EVEN AFTER SUFFERING FROM VARIOUS ONGOING COMPLICATIONS AND HEALTH ISSUES. 

IN HER BOOK, "BREASTS: A NATURAL AND UNNATURAL HISTORY," AUTHOR FLORENCE WILLIAMS SPOKE TO THE NOW 79-YEAR-OLD TAMMIE JEAN LINDSAY, WHO SAID SHE'D DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY TURNED HARD, RUPTURED, AND TO THIS DAY CAUSE SHOOTING CHEST PAINS.

THE TRUTH IS, IT'S GETTING MORE AND MORE DIFFICULT TO EVEN FIND WOMEN WHO HAVEN'T HAD SOME KIND OF BREAST AUGMENTATION. THE PRODUCERS OF THE NEW CABLE SERIES "MAGIC CITY," WHICH IS SET IN THE 50'S WHEN THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS A BOOB JOB, FOUND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO CAST ANY AUTHENTIC LOOKING FEMALE EXTRAS BECAUSE THERE WERE NO LOCALS WHO HADN'T HAD THEIR SWEATER PUPPIES PLUMPED UP IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM. 

I'M NOT SAYING I WANT TO GO BACK TO A SURGERY FREE WORLD, OR THAT OUR LIVES WOULD BE BETTER IF THERE WERE NO BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES OF BOOB JOBS. ALL I KNOW IS THAT 1) SURGERY PHOTOS SHOULD BE TAKEN BY A DOCTOR, NOT YOUR SCUM BAG CONVICT OF A BOYFRIEND, AND 2) I REALLY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A JOB AS A CHILD ACTOR. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS KID ON THE COVER OF THE LATEST TIME MAGAZINE? LUCKY TWIRP. 

Waste Not Want Not: In Defense Of Pink Slime

By now pretty much everyone has unwittingly become familiar with Lean Finely Textured Beef AKA "Pink Slime." There's no question it's freakin' disgusting... but let's be honest, chances are there's not a food on earth you really want to see before it ends up in the meat case, on your grocery shelves, or in your coffee cup. Except every once in a great while a blinding flash of reality too extreme to ignore is placed right before our eyes, and it becomes impossible to avert our gaze! I say, hey, Pink Slime's cow stuff just like the collagen in animal bones that becomes our jello is cow stuff.  

Would I slap a big ol' scoop of it into a waffle cone on a hot summer day? Well that all depends. Do I live here in America, where 34 million tons of food was thrown out in 2010?  Then, no, a slimesicle probably isn't my thing. Do I live in say South America, where you walk into the store and see hearts, intestines, cow blood, and other not-so-appetizing cuts o' cow right next to the regular meat? If so, I'd probably get stoned by my village if I didn't find a way to use everything but the moo. So while we are shocked - SHOCKED, I say! - here in the U.S. that there's something other than the cuts of meat we know and love in our burgers, in other less fortunate parts of the world people would likely walk up to a Pink Slime paste dispenser and treat it like the all-you-can-slurp soft serve ice cream machine (upside: no brain freeze.)

Truth is, there may be less Pink Slime to go around anyway. You see, the main producer of it just filed for bankruptcy. Which means you're going to have to get it somewhere's else, slime aficionados. Oh, and the cost of your burgers? Watch them skyrocket like we were getting them from the Middle East. 

But hey, at least the world's a better place and we know what we're eating, right? MUHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!! Not even close. The FDA estimates we eat between one to two pounds of insects every year in our food without knowing it. They're called 'natural contaminants' and they're A-OK in moderation. Rat hairs, too. I mean, as long as it's a clean rat, what's the harm?

Which takes me back to Pink Slime. They do clean it, ya know. Just watch this handy dandy demonstration by celebrity chef/nutritionist Jamie Oliver:

Plus, were talking ground meat. What did you really think was in there? I'm glad that somebody finally took the time to explain it. At least instead of flies or rat hairs, it's all cow. I can live with that. 

So, in closing, I give Pink Slime two hoofs up. I may even start brushing my teeth with it, putting it on my slip n' slide, and keeping a bowl of it next to my bed for those lonely nights. 

Hey, it ain't rocket surgery. It's the Man Glob. MMMM, I could go for a glob of Pink Slime right about now...

Valentine's Day: Symptom of a Larger Problem

THIS WEEK, A FLORIDA JUDGE ORDERED A MAN ACCUSED OF CHOKING HIS WIFE DURING A 'MINOR SCUFFLE' TO BUY HER FLOWERS AND TAKE HER ON A DATE TO RED LOBSTER AS PART OF HIS SENTENCE, AND IT GOT ME THINKING... I COULD REALLY GO FOR SOME CHEDDAR BISCUITS. SPEAKING OF THE THINGS WE DO TO GET A CRACK AT A BISCUIT, AREN'T THERE ALREADY ENOUGH DAYS OF THE YEAR ASIDE FROM VALENTINE'S DAY WHERE GUYS ARE STUCK PAYING OUR RESPECTS (AND USUALLY STUCK PAYING IN GENERAL) TO WOMEN??

FIRST, THERE'S BIRTHDAYS. WE ALL GET ONE, BUT FORGET A CHICK'S BIRTHDAY AND HER LIFE IS OFFICIALLY RUINED. IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE ANYONE YOU'RE INVOLVED WITH OR RELATED TO. I ONCE HAD A FEMALE FRIEND STOP SPEAKING TO ME FOR NO REASON ONLY TO FIND OUT MONTHS LATER I HAD FORGOTTEN TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER. MIND YOU, I DIDN'T FORGET HER BIRTHDAY, IN FACT I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBERED TO ASK HER IF SHE 'HAD A GREAT BIRTHDAY' WHICH, IN MY MIND, IMPLIED I GAVE A CRAP IN GENERAL. SO JUST FOR FUTURE NOTICE, TO WOMEN, ACKNOWLEDGING YOU KNOW WHEN THEIR BIRTHDAY IS CARRIES NO WEIGHT WHATSOEVER. WHICH IS ODD, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALSO SCREWED IF YOU FAIL TO REMEMBER IN 'POP QUIZ' FASHION WHEN EXACTLY THEIR BIRTHDAY IS, EVEN IF IT'S NOT COMING UP ANY TIME SOON. WORD TO THE WISE - IF A CHICK SO MUCH AS BRINGS UP THE SUBJECT OF BIRTHDAYS, FAKE A SEIZURE TO GET OUT OF THE CONVERSATION - IT'S WAY EASIER IN THE LONG RUN.

THEN YOU GOT MOTHER'S DAY. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT REMEMBERING YOUR OWN MOTHER - FORGET HER AND YOU TRULY ARE A BONER OF EPIC MAGNITUDE - THIS IS DIRECTED AT WOMEN WHO EXPECT THEIR HUSBANDS, GUYS THEY'RE DATING, OR ANY GUY WHO KNOWS THEY HAVE KIDS, TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE VERY FACT THAT, YES, IT WAS VERY PAINFUL TO GIVE BIRTH, AND NO, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT'S LIKE, SO, YES, THANK YOU FOR PRESERVING THE HUMAN RACE BY HAVING KIDS AND MORE KIDS. CARDS, DINNER, FLOWERS... SOUND FAMILIAR??? THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S MAY AND YOU JUST WENT THROUGH THIS ROUTINE LESS THAN 3 MONTHS AGO.

THEN YOU GOT YOUR ANNIVERSARIES. AS IN PLURAL. MARRIED? THAT'S ONE. BEFORE THAT, THERE WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY YOU MET, THE ANNIVERSARY OF YOUR FIRST DATE, THE ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN YOU GOT SERIOUS (WHICH NO DOUBT WAS DUE TO GETTING TO SEE HER NAKED, SO YOU KIND OF DON'T HAVE A CHOICE), THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE FIRST TIME YOU WALKED BAREFOOT ON WET GRASS WHEN MANGOES WERE IN SEASON, WHICH SHE REMEMBERS VIVIDLY BECAUSE SHE'S ALLERGIC TO MANGOES AND HER FACE SWELLED UP LIKE A BASKETBALL BECAUSE YOU KISSED HER AFTER YOU ATE ONE, AND LET US NOT FORGET THE ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN HER CAT GOT SICK AND YOU HAD TO CANCEL YOUR CAMPING TRIP SO YOU COULD 'BE SUPPORTIVE' IN CASE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED, WHICH IT EVENTUALLY DID BUT NOT UNTIL TWO OR THREE CAT ILLNESSES LATER.

I DON'T BEGRUDGE WOMEN WANTING TO BE RECOGNIZED FOR ALLLLLLLLL THEY DO FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT WHY CAN'T I VANDALIZE AN OVERPASS IN HER HONOR AND HAVE THAT BE ENOUGH???

WITH THAT, I'M OFF TO BUY SPRAY PAINT, BECAUSE I JUST IMPLIED I MIGHT DO SOMETHING FOR WOMEN, AND IF I DON'T FOLLOW THROUGH THEY'LL PROBABLY NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

SMILE AND NOD FELLAS, SMILE AND NOD.


~ MAN GLOB I MEAN PERSON GLOB YA LATER.

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere: Why I'm All For Breastfeeding In Public

I found out this week that this summer, a mob of mothers who are tired of having to breastfeed in the shadows, in their cars, in public restrooms, and presumably behind dumpsters, are mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore: they're going to march on Washington. This comes on the heels of last month's sit-in by nursing moms at Target stores nationwide. A sit-in that led to a public apology from Kasey Kahne after he tweeted that a breastfeeding mom in a store he was shopping in looked "nasty".

Let me be clear: I love boobs. Big boobs, little boobs, floppy boobs, squished boobs, and National Geographic pigmy boobs. If it's on a lady and it has nipples, sign me up. But I'm very serious when I say that, as men, we would have far less of a fascination with them - and ultimately objectify women far less in our society - if our first exposure to them was seeing them used for their given purpose: feeding a baby. Not in a magazine with a staple in the middle, not by stumbling upon some late night spanktravision on Skinamax. We only stare because from an early age we're taught we're not suppose to be looking!

I remember when I was 7, my parents and I went to the movies because my dad wanted to see "Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams," a film classic that opens with a group of topless women running around on the beach. I remember my Mother grabbing my hand, yanking me out of the theater, buying me the largest soda they sold in the lobby, and telling me I couldn't go back in the theater until I finished it because they don't allow drinks in there (I found out recently that's not true, by the way). Anyway, I remember thinking, "Why am I in trouble because those ladies got naked???" and later on, "I think my tinkle's going to explode because I just drank 72 ounces of Mellow Yellow." 

Now for the uptight jackwads who think that it's offensive to see a woman whip out her dairy case and let their kid latch on, I say this: feeding a baby helps it shut up. Just like giving a woman chocolate. Let me get this straight, you'd rather have some poor screaming kid throwing a fit of hysterics so you don't have to have your delicate sensibilities intruded upon while you're waiting for the cashier to ring you up at the Waffle Hut?? You get to eat, why shouldn't junior?? 

I know, feed 'em with a bottle. A nice room temperature rubber nipple of grainy, mealy formula that was mixed with tap water 3 hours ago. Sounds delicious. I guess you carry a travel mug full of Metamucil when you go shopping in case you decide you need something on your stomach?? 

Mind you, I'm not just taking issue with the anti-mammary croud on this one. If you're going to unbutton your sweater in public so the milk wagons are open for business, I get to watch. And you can't give me the stink eye. Remember, I never got to watch this when I was little, and now I'm a grown man and when I think about what boobs are for Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton come to mind. It's too late for me now, society made me this way and it's not my fault. 

In closing, I'm going to just say it's time to grope, er, grow up. I mean, not for me, I'm a lost cause. But you can still break the cycle. If you need me, I'll be off hanging out in the maternity ward, looking pathetic while I hold a dry bowl of cereal...

Hey, what can you latch on to if you don't hold on to your dreams? Oh, that's right - b( . )( . )bs.

~Glob ya on the flip side.