What I Want For Christmas: An Open Letter to Santa

DEAR LARDO,
 

AS WE INCH CLOSER TO YOUR "BIG NIGHT" (AT LEAST I MEASURE IN INCHES), I JUST HAVE A FEW LAST-MINUTE REQUESTS. NO, NOT FOR ME, BUT FOR THE WORLD IN GENERAL. SOME OF THESE YOU MAY BE ABLE TO KNOCK OUT IN SHORT ORDER, OTHERS MIGHT FALL UNDER THE CATEGORY OF "PIE IN THE SKY," BUT CONSIDERING THERE'S NO HUMAN PASTRY SAILING THROUGH THE AIR MORE NOTICEABLE THAN YOU THIS TIME OF YEAR, I FIGURED IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT'D GET YOUR ATTENTION, IT'S THE MENTION OF PIE.


1) PLEASE GET THE WORD OUT THAT IF YOU DON'T COOK THE OTHER 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR, CHANCES ARE THAT MAKING A HUGE COMPLICATED MEAL FOR A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE HAS DUBIOUS CHANCES AT BEST OF GOING OFF WITHOUT A HITCH. ALSO, PLEASE TELL PEOPLE THAT EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY BEEN FOUR WEEKS SINCE YOUR LAST BIG MASS FEEDING, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PUT OUT THE SAME RELISH TRAY FOR YOUR HOUSE GUESTS. IF WE DIDN'T FINISH OFF THOSE SHRIVELED UP SWEET PICKLES THE FIRST TIME AROUND, GIVING THEM ANOTHER MONTH TO DECOMPOSE IN THE FRIDGE PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THEM ANY MORE APPEALING.


2) STOP OVERCOMPENSATING FOR THE FACT THAT POUND FOR POUND, HANUKKAH IS STILL A MUCH BETTER HOLIDAY. BETTER FOOD, MORE GIFTS, AND LET'S FACE IT, IT'S NOT RUN BY A BLOATED WOULD-BE DIABETIC WHO ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE SOME SODA COMPANY NEEDED A MASCOT TO SELL THEIR TOOTH-DISSOLVING SYRUP TO LITTLE KIDS IN THE 1930'S.


3) DO ME A FAVOR AND BEFORE YOU DROP OFF MORE JUNK I'M GOING TO FORGET I WANTED BY THE TIME MLK'S BIRTHDAY ROLLS AROUND, WOULD YOU TAKE AWAY SOME OF THE STUFF FROM LAST YEAR THAT I NEVER ASKED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE? IF I NEVER USED THAT GIFT CARD TO "LINEN DEPOT" OR THAT COPY OF AUNT BEA'S COOKBOOK, YOU CAN GO AHEAD AN THROW THEM BACK IN YOUR SACK ON THE WAY UP THE CHIMNEY. AND PLEASE, DON'T DROP THEM OFF AT THE SALVATION ARMY FOR SOME UNDERPRIVILEGED KID TO GET STUCK WITH. JUST DUMP THEM IN TO THE NIGHT SKY LIKE AIRLINES DO WITH THOSE FROZEN BLOCKS OF BLUE DOODIE FROM THEIR RESTROOMS.


4) LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, WHILE YOU'RE FLYING AROUND, CAN YOU MENTION TO MOTHER NATURE THAT IT'D BE SUPER IF AT SOME POINT SHE COULD SEE FIT TO HIT THOSE KARDASHIANS WITH LIGHTENING? YEAH, LOTS OF IT.


THAT'S NOT ALL, BUT I'LL STOP HERE. I COULD GO ON FOREVER BUT I KNOW THE LESS I ASK FOR, THE GREATER THE LIKELIHOOD IT'LL COME TO FRUITION. HOPE YOU GOT THAT SLEIGH INSURANCE PAID UP. UNTIL NEXT TIME, I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT IF POLAR BEARS EVER REALIZE WHERE THAT WHITE FUR ON THE EDGES OF YOUR SUIT COMES FROM, YOUR TOY TRAIN MAKING DAYS MIGHT BE NUMBERED.


MERRY GLOBSMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

READY FOR SOME HORSE D'OEUVRES??

SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT 'EM, BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE THOSE A$$HATS IN WASHINGTON. THERE'S CLEARLY NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT GOING ON IN THE COUNTRY AT THIS POINT, BECAUSE LAST MONTH THEY QUIETLY LIFTED THE BAN ON HORSE SLAUGHTERING FOR FOOD IN THE U.S. 

LET ME BE CLEAR - WE NEEDED ONE MORE THING TO SHOVE IN OUR MOUTHS. I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT AS HUMANS, BEING THE ONES THAT ESSENTIALLY RUN THE PLANET, GET BLAMED WHEN SOMETHING IN NATURE GOES HORRIBLY WRONG, AND ARE TASKED WITH BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR CLEANING IT UP, WE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO EAT ANYTHING LOWER ON THE CHAIN OF EVOLUTION THAT EATS, SLEEPS, BREATHS, OR GROWS. WHETHER THERE'S A MILLION OF THEM LEFT OR IT'S AN ENDANGERED SPECIES, I PERSONALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE. 

SO MY PROBLEM ISN'T THAT I'M ANTI HORSE BURGERS... I'D BITE THE HELL OUT OF ONE IF I HAD THE CHANCE... BUT HORSE IS THE BEST WE CAN DO?? WHERE'S DOLPHIN?? WHERE'S KOALA??? WHERE'S PENGUIN????

HORSE IS SO 20TH CENTURY! DON'T WE DESERVE TO EAT SOMETHING NEW FOR ONCE BEFORE ANOTHER ASTEROID COMES AND KILLS OFF SOMETHING DELICIOUS? MY STOMACH STILL GRUMBLES EVERY TIME I HEAR THE FLINTSTONES TALK ABOUT BRONTOSAURUS BURGERS. 'CAUSE I CAN'T HAVE ONE. 

SO PRETTY PLEASE, WITH A1 SAUCE ON TOP, LET'S WORK HARDER TO LEGALIZE THE EATING OF SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING THAN HORSES - BECAUSE GOD KNOWS THEY'D EAT US THE FIRST CHANCE THEY GOT. WELL, NOT REALLY, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.     

~UNTIL NEXT TIME, MAN GLOBBERS.